Tongue In The Wind......

This is not a blog for the weak of heart......either take the opportunity to change blogs now, or grab a tissue and settle in.  The feelings that I am about to blog about are pretty painful, but I have decided in the last week that I HAVE to do it, so that in a year, two, three, I can look back and realize just how far things have come in my life, beginning at "semi" rock bottom. (for me)

Christmas ~ 2011

                 In the weeks leading up to Winter Break, I tried to prepare myself for the idea that my children would not only be gone for a week over break, but that I would spend CHRISTMAS without the loves of my life....no goofy things to blog about, no singing from the bathroom, no someone in my bed, no kisses goodnight, no fighting. (yes, I miss that too) Those of you who have known me for a long time, and even some who have just become a part of my crazy life, know that Christmas has always been my time to shine. I have adored this holiday my entire life and every year wanted to do nothing more than gather all of our friends and family, be together, laugh and enjoy life.

          When Christmas 2010 came along,  I was just a few months into what has become a long and painful divorce. Needless to say, it was not a good year financially either and the holiday brought with it a heavy heart......emotionally it was a very different Christmas than I had EVER known in my life, and at that time I remember thinking "next year my love for Christmas will be back....it'll all be better".

           After about a week of break this year, it was time to start thinking about sending my girls off with their dad, and I felt the sadness and pain building. I smiled and laughed as often as possible, but still felt like this was yet again another Christmas that I did not recognize under all the layers of "crap" covering my joy. In the days leading up to the exchange, was informed that my recently "ex" husband has a 10 month old son in Bolivia. Math has never been my strongest subject, but unfortunately, even I could figure that one out. Pain, more pain, anger (by the truckloads) and sadness. I spent the last two days with my daughters, before spending Christmas ALONE telling my children how excited I was for them to have a new baby brother, as they showed his (very cute) picture to everyone they passed. I smiled. I hugged them and told them I was happy for them. I cried angry tears....alot. And then they left.

           Transition happened on Christmas Eve. I spent the next 2 hours after dropping them off driving the town, looking at Christmas lights (through gallons of tears) and trying to get my sadness out of my system, so that I might recover on Christmas Day. I had SO many family members and good friends try to convince me to spend the holiday with their families, but didn't think that my "Christmas 2011" attitude would be good for anyone's spirit, so I went it alone. It turned out ok, and I found out that time for reflection may be an especially useful tool coming into the new year, and new challenges.  I can honestly say that Christmas Eve 2011 was an all time low for me....I can also say that I will never underestimate the hearts ability to strengthen (physically and otherwise) and there is HOPE for my 2012 Christmas. My deep love for this time of year is still in there, of this I am certain.
        I spent my New Years Eve with friends, feeling blessed to have what I have, knowing that it could be SOOOO much worse, and that this too shall pass.

       While driving up to the mountains last week to hike with some friends and our dogs, I witnessed their awesome yellow lab named Sampson sticking his head out the back window of their car......The mountains were the backdrop and the sun was shining.With his ears flapping, tongue hangin' out in the wind, and almost a visible smile on his face, Sampson, I believe had found a few short seconds of pure happiness. It's what I long for.